Damien: There wasn’t a keg cracked within ten miles that Serena didn’t know about, and then suddenly, she started staying home, reading in her room. The generous conclusion to draw would be that Serena was getting her act together, focusing on school.
Dan: Yeah, but no one thought that. They assumed she was sleeping with the handsome young english teacher.
Blair: Was she?
Damien: Well, I always thought the best about Serena, but-
Blair: But something made you believe it was true.
Damien: I was having dinner with my aunt at the Millbrook Inn in Poughkeepsie. As we were heading out, I saw Serena checking in with Mr. Donovan.
Dan: I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen right now. If she is really in there, what’s our plan? I mean, what are we gonna do? We’re just gonna march up to her and pull her hair?
Blair: …For starters.
[sees a guys with “I love balls” written on his forhead]
Oh. At least he’s owning it.
Dan: Juliet wouldn’t be at a party like this, let alone host it.
I don’t think this is her house.
Blair: Well, Gossip Girl didn’t say it was, so don’t just look for Juliet. Look for clues.
Partygoer: Body shots!
Blair: …Or someone who has one.
Dan: Damien Dalgaard?
Blair: Is the pedal to the medal? Because I swear if I shove my feet through the floor, I could run faster. At least there’s no radio, so i’m spared your horrid taste in music. I think we were supposed to turn there!
Dan: You know, i’d tell you to stop being such a backseat driver, but how can you even be one when you don’t even know how to drive?
Blair: I offered to get us a car service-
Professional driver, comfortable seats, champagne!
Dan: We’re on a mission here. We need to be able to move at any moment and tail poeople, speed, if necessary.
Blair: Speed?! Please! And as for tailing someone, a stretch hummer with a hot tub would be more inconspicuous than this.
Dan: First, my dad swapped a ‘69 les paul for this car, it’s a collector’s item. And second, it was either this or the lincoln hawk van. Which, all i’m saying, has graphics.
Blair: Fine. We should almost be there. Let me just consult the GPS. Oh, wait. That’s me. No, but for real, Cornice should be just up here.
Therapist: Serena, help me understand. Are you upset because of what you did or because you can’t remember it?
Serena: Both… and neither. If you saw a photo of yourself on the internet doing cocaine, what would you think?
Therapist: I wouldn’t know what to think. I would never do that.
Serena: Exactly. But with me, I can’t be too sure. You know, I may not remember kissing Dan and Nate or crossing Blair, but… You know, this wouldn’t be the first time that I had been with two guys in one night or betrayed my best friend.
“That never happens.”
“You’re still a man in my eyes”
“I always knew there was something, Get out!”
Serena: Things had gotten so out of control, I didn’t know how to pull them back anymore.
“Pete, what’s happening? Are you okay?”
“We have to go.”
“No, we can’t leave him.”
“There’s drugs everywhere, we could get arrested.”
Serena: So I left town alone to Cornwall, Connecticut. To try to start over.
Dan: This is excruciating. What if she doesn’t respond and all we’re doing is wasting valuable time?
Blair: Our time is not that valuable. Until we know where Juliet is, we don’t know whether we need to charter a jet or if your metro card will suffice for our journey.
Dan: [email dings] That’s from her.
Blair: Open it.
Gossip Girl: 252 Cornice Avenue. Find the bitch.
Blair: Well, I guess we have our mission.
Dan: You up for a road trip?
Blair: What do you mean no visitors? I don’t think you realize who we are.
Dan: Who she thinks she is, is more like. Look, i’m family. I’m Serena’s brother- or stepbrother, technically. Which I do mostly try to put out of my mind, seeing as we dated pretty seriously-
Blair: Humphrey, they treat people in here for less serious complexes than that. Do you wanna get committed? I’ll just call her. I’m sure that we’re on her list.
Dan: So Juliet dressed up like Serena at Saints and Sinners to destroy her relationships with me and Nate.
Blair: And enlists Vanessa and Jenny to mess with me.
Dan: Which is devious and pathetic, but let’s face it, around here, it’s just another saturday night.
Blair: Well, you can’t show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social-climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you.
Dan: But then, according to Jenny, Juliet posted a photo of herself as Serena doing coke.
Blair: And for that, she will be judged by a higher power, but we’ve-
Dan: We’ve seen worse.
Blair: Well, I was gonna say done worse, but, yes.
Dan: Okay, but then Serena wakes up in a motel room after almost OD’ing.
Blair: And that is where the Juliet express goes off the rails and heads straight for crazytown.
Dan: The next thing we know, Serena wakes up, insists she didn’t go on a bender.
Blair: But then the photo shows up online, and she starts to doubt herself and checks into the Ostroff. Which brings us up to the present.
Dan: The thing we need to figure out is why. I mean Colin, Nate, Hamilton house… None of that explains taking things so far.
Blair: Well, as someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this, and that is retribution.
Dan: Retribution for what?